it’s never going to be the same. i’m never going to be over this.  it is going to hurt me forever. i think. i just. i feel so incredibly hurt by all of this.  i am being so selfish. but i’m never selfish. not with you. and i think i can be.  i don’t think any of this is fair.  you don’t take into account that your decisions aren’t just affecting you. they’re affecting me too.  i have feelings. i’ve been a part of you for three years now, and decisions you make for yourself turn out to be decisions you make for me.  and i’m not okay with this. and i don’t think i ever will be.  i do feel betrayed. because i was so under the impression that you wouldn’t make this decision.  that it would be your last choice.  and its just a slap in the face.  maybe it will be best for you academically. but i can’t help but feel like you just want a new, separate life away from me. maybe i am victimizing myself here. i don’t know. but it’s the way i feel.  i didn’t do this to you.  i altered my life so much just to not do this to you.  i feel like an idiot. i feel like i’m going to get hurt.  i feel like you think i’m this horrible person, when i actually think you’re this horrible person.  a horrible person who would make the decision like this knowing that i would get hurt.  maybe others can do it.  but those others go weeks without seeing each other in general.  those others aren’t us.  i don’t like this, and you can’t ask me to like this.  it wasn’t fair of you to just thrust this on me.  you did this just horribly.  you just threw it at me.  you didn’t guide me through it.  you didn’t even have the courage to tell me in person.  through a text message.  a picture message.  how dare you.  you killed me.

also i want to lose weight more than anything in the entire world. next to you coming here.

i want to be thin and frail. i want small arms, a tiny, smooth waist, no overflowing mass of body, next to no cellulite. i want to be small. i want it.

i want to be proud of myself next to other people. i want to be proud of pictures. i want to feel good.

i want this for me.

hopefully you don’t read.

i don’t know what i will do if you aren’t here with me next year.  i really don’t.  it is all so damn frightening.  its too far and i’m just afraid i’m not strong enough. maybe that’s a poor thing to do. but its my truth.  i don’t know what to do and i am dreading that moment of when you tell me.  i am dreading it. because a huge part of me is hoping you’ll choose me.  and i feel like you will. but i don’t want to get my hopes up for something that isn’t going to happen. and i don’t want your last visit with me this year to end in me crying for more reasons than just that you’re getting on a train and going home.

fuck. i sometimes wish i never showed you this blog’s url

i don’t know how to say this, but i really don’t have much desire to see any of my girl friends from high school this week.  i mean, i know i made plans with some of them to get lunch and catch up, and i know i missed the last one. meh. maybe i should go. it couldn’t hurt. but i’d much rather spend my time with him. i’m becoming one of those girls. whose life revolves around her boyfriend. ha. took me three years to get to this phase :P